New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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