Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
