Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
