That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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