why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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