Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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