Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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