we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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