I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
