Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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