I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
