you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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