it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
