She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
