God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
