I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
