this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
a search helicopter?!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
