Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
