Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
