I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
