I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
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that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm having to shit out rocks
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