I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
