you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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