i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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