you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
