i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
