Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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