She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
