textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
