Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
