Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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