I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
