tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
