I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
