Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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