Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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