i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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