I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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