im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
