Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
