it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i dont even know how to be here
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
