You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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