my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
