I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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