I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
what day is it and did you see me today?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
