cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
