I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
this hospital has no fireball
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He? As in you personified your dick?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
