this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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