So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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