I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
