We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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