I cannot find my penis.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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