OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
