my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
