My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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