I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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