My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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