She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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