i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
