yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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